I was stoked to fly down to Vegas for the relaunch of Sinner Magazine, my wife and I have not taken a vacation in a long time. Coming to Vegas was a great opportunity to be at the event and see a grip of friends that we haven’t seen in years.  So our night of fun begins when we hit DTF and meet up with my old bro Rob Hester who was going to be doing a live paint session during the party. We bounced from friend to friend, catching up and enjoying the desert night. A definite change from the PNW (Pacific Northwest) where we have been living since 05, and trying to stay hydrated we did little drinking.  There was plenty of fun to be had else where, wink. But it sure seemed that the libations were flowing as drinks were all around and people were having a blast.  There was maybe too much of a blast as I know I caught part of someones. Myself and a couple other people I was hanging out with experienced someone behind us exploding the contents of their stomach on to our back, arms and legs.  I flinched as my mind wishfully went to a spilled cup of water and then the comments of vomit came into play.  One of the people I was puked on with made the comment, “It wasn’t blood…and and I have seen it way worse.”.  He was right but at the same time I don’t want to wear someones “one too many”.  I tried to dispel it from my mind but the car ride back to the casino made it very apparent that I was wearing puke. When I got back to my room I proceeded to spend the next 45 minutes taking the “I feel dirty” shower. I was able to keep my composure and not punch someone in the face but what would you do if you got puked on at a party?

ILLUSTRATION BY TYRONE WASHINGTON

ILLUSTRATION BY SUK FA2HQ

Illustrations: Skizo FA2HQ

“I know that sometimes it’s hard to stay away from your phone when you drive, but please pay attention to the light cycles people! I hate it when I get stuck through cycles of lights because people aren’t paying attention.”#sinnerrant #WRATH

SHOPPING FOR ATTENTION
I know Las Vegas can get very toasty but I must insist on women foregoing booty shorts in respectable establishments. It’s my belief that you should not advertise what you aren’t selling, even during 100 degree weather. There’s nothing wrong with a little gluteus galore at the pool or a nightclub, but the supermarket is not the proper venue for such attire. Fresh & Easy is in reference to the food only ladies.-Dixie Cain, East side

POVERTY TV
Is it a coincidence that the change from analog to digital TV had to happen before the final NBA championship game? It was a tough call but I had to cut the luxury of cable when I lost my job. The upside was that I could still watch my favorite news team every morning on FOX5 and catch the Laker game finals via bunny ears. The day of game 5, what ended up being the finale, I turn on my TV and it’s snowing like Ally Sheedy’s hair from The Breakfast Club. Now they want $50 bucks for a converter box? Thanks for taking poor man’s TV, which has been free for decades, and makin’ it unaffordable you a-holes. -GL, South Central
MIRACLE MARATHON
Fellas, You may not understand the time and pain it takes for a girl to look hot when we are going out. Parking in the farthest spot possible starts the night off on the wrong foot, literally! We wear high heels to look nice for you! They are not meant to walk a marathon, so don’t complain when we are pissy that you parked in the nosebleeds and we aren’t walking as fast as you. Those days of women playing basketball in their Easy Spirit heels misled men all over the world. Clubbing at Privé was a tall order.  I’m glad I don’t have to walk through the Miracle Mile wasted in heels anymore. Don’t get mad when I need to know exactly where we are going so I can figure out how long I can survive in these stilettos. -GL

KICK BACK
I went to watch The Hangover and it’s one of the funniest movies I’ve seen in awhile. What was not so funny was this dummy sitting behind me, kicking my chair. I felt the first kick, and let it slide. Shortly after, I felt more kicking. I then did “the look” where  you just turn around and give the evil eye. This idiot still did not get the message. Finally, I turned around and said, “Can you stop kicking my chair?!” She replied “ I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.” REALLY?! I see movies at RAVE because there is more than 3 feet in between each row. Unless you are Shaq or Dhalsim, this shouldn’t be a problem.  -LP, Southern Highlands

BULK ORDERING DRIVE THRU

Why do people order their family dinner at the drive-thru? Nothing pisses me off more than sitting in my A/C deficient car, dying of third world famine, and having Deputy Douche plan the last supper right in front of me. If you order more than $10 worth of junk, you should take your lazy ass inside the restaurant. Dollar menu divas have things to do and one of them is not contracting skin cancer in the drive-thru lane. -DC

OH NO YOU DADN’T

It’s no wonder that Angelina can’t stand her pompous and bourgeois father, Mr. Voigt. I attended CineVegas in June and I realized that it’s true that stars will use any opportunity to spew their vile hatred and propaganda if given the chance. I used to feel bad that she estranged herself from him. Obviously, I didn’t have the whole story. All that was cured when I was subjected to his ranting and raving about a government and President that he holds in contempt and downright hates. Now I get it. Now he knows how we felt during the Bush years. :)  -JM, Westside

HOPE YOU GOT A BIG TRUNK

As a novice cyclist, and broke college student, I like to save gas once in awhile.  I’ll hop on my eco-friendly ten speed and ride to feel the wind in my hair.  Lately though, all I’ve been feeling is nervous on my roadster, with drivers that aren’t doing a double take to make sure they aren’t running anyone over! To all the lane hogs out there, you think you’re all tough trying to strong arm me to the sidewalk?  I don’t think so!   SHARE THE ROAD DAMNIT!   -AB, UNLV

HOT HEADS

Do you notice how irritable everybody has become since the three digit weather began? There are less and less friendly hellos. People no longer hold the door open for you. All anybody cares about is getting the f*ck out of the sun. I know shade is harder to find than a blood diamond, but try to keep common courtesy alive.  -GL

ROACHES ON ROIDS

You know who loves AC more than people? Roaches! Those MF’s are huge and living the life, because they look like they have been hitting buffets like an obese kid on Maury Povich. I would be willing to bet that we have the fattest roaches in the United States. No matter how hard you try to regulate, there is no getting rid of them. They are so well fed that they stay healthy and strong. I’ve seen roaches go into a roach motel and check out the next day at noon.-MC, Northtown

SAVE THE TREES, JUST NOT ON YOUR REARVIEW

Fuck you very much Henderson Metro. I was pulled over this week because I had an air freshener hanging from my mirror. I was just trying to cover up the smell from that bag of Roberto’s that I forgot to throw away. I didn’t skin your puppy, or sell crack to your child. When did Chief Wiggum transfer from Springfield to Henderson? Here’s a bonus rant:  When I went to go pay the ticket they said I had to give them the exact amount. $199. I gave them $200. “We need exact change” said the pleasant and helpful lady at the desk. The same broad that made me wait a half hour with nobody else in line. I insisted “You can keep the dollar, really.” Consider it a tip for the STELLAR service. “No actually we can’t.” Basically, I could have had a million dollars, and that didn’t matter because she would not accept a penny more than $199. Unreal. It’s no wonder why people say that the justice and corrections system is broken. I guess the secret is out–those pleasant smelling trees are the best way to hide the smell of the dead body in your trunk and the pounds of danky weed underneathe your seat. They are on to us.  -Nancy H, Henderson

MARTINIS WITH THE MAYOR

In what other city would you have the opportunity to get piss drunk with the mayor for $20 bucks? That’s the recession price to celebrate his birthday with the Mayor himself.  If you were Screech or Corey Feldman that’s one thing. I’m not hating because the money went to charity. But dude, you are still the Mayor. We shouldn’t have to pay to go get drunk with you. You should do it for free. -Wendy Sano, The Lakes

MOJITOS AND WHINE

There is nothing like that reaction you get from a bartender when you order a mojito. It is a great indication of the bartender’s personality. Order one on a busy night. They will smile and nod like it’s no problem, but passive aggressively they really want to murder you.  -MH, Summerlin

DEPRESSION OR DEFACATION

There is a pill out there for everything. It’s funny when you see the commercials for them. The side effects are so bad that it becomes a game of bartering. Would you trade depression for diarrhea, nausea, and lack of sleep? Hmmm, tough call. I think I’d lose some sleep if I was out one night, got dizzy and  shit myself. So, for now I’ll take allergies for memory loss please.  -Jenn Capelli, Downtowner

PICK THAT SHIT UP
We are lucky enough to live in a city that is pretty pet friendly. Even apartment buildings have little dog parks. Just because you don’t have the budget for a big yard doesn’t mean  you can’t have a furry friend. So do me a favor and pick up after your frikkin’ dog. Stepping in dog shit has definite potential to ruin someone’s day. It is now extra convenient. There are now strategically placed stations in an effort to make it lazy proof. There are little bags, trash receptacles and even simple directions for those who don’t understand how to scoop the poop.  Yet some people still leave meatpies all over the courtyards. Now I’m gonna have to piss in the pool to prove my point.
-Irene D, South West

Illustration by Scott Cattanach

SEEING RED

Is it Murphy’s Law that says when you want to return a redbox movie at the dreaded 9:00 deadline you must wait behind some schmoe that wants to browse the descriptions of every frickin’ movie? I mean COME ON? Are you serious? You never heard of IRON MAN?

It was only the BIGGEST freakin’ movie released LAST summer! Oh… and now you’re looking at DARK KNIGHT?! Remember a little-known actor named HEATH LEDGER?!…Yeah, he was in that. Ringing any bells yet? Here’s an idea, how ‘bout you do me a favor? Move the F over and let me return my shit before they charge me another dollar to rent Bangkok Dangerous again. Oh, what was that about? It’s an action flick–about my knee and your crotch. Get it? -John Mischief, West Sider

STOP POKING ME

I realized that everybody has uprooted themselves from Myspace to Facebook, myself included. I get pretty annoyed that I get a notification every time somebody’s mood changes, but I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t on it all the time. I find myself thinking “ I wonder why Nick is tired of stupid people?” or “Rachael is in a relationship now?”  Even though that is way more involved then I wish to be, that’s not really what bothers me. What I cannot stand about Facebook is the poking. It’s not fun. I hate all of it. Poke,  superpoke, good kharma, drinking requests, all of it = LAME. This isn’t the Sim’s. If you want to have a drink then call me and say, “Let’s grab a drink,” Don’t send me a fake drink. I can’t catch a real buzz off that. And if you want to poke me, at least buy me a nice meal first. –Ginah Lasta, Hendertucky

STOCK MARKET TURBULENCE

Why does the current stock market crisis feel like you’re having unprotected sex? Should I stay in or should I pull out? Either way, staying in could be gratifying; however, pulling out is sometimes the safer choice. -Juan Herring, Mountain’s Edge

THE BOATS MADE IT

There is finally a pretty large Asian community in LV.

When I first moved here years ago, the Asians were few and far between. I was convinced I was the only Asian (outside my own family) living west of I-15.  It felt like I was in some weird Twilight Zone episode where PF Chang’s and Panda Express passed as real Chinese food.  The only times I interacted with people close to my ethnicity involved short jaunts to either the International Marketplace or to Fry’s. -Kris, Southwest

MCDOUBLE-CROSSED

So I went to MickeyD’s to get the cheapest lunch possible on the face of the earth, and they raised the price of the double cheeseburger. WTF? For as long as I can remember the classic double cheeseburger was 99 cents. Less than a buck. Know what they replaced it with? The McDouble–WTF is a McDouble? I bought it. I tried it. It was missing something…  oh yeah… a fu**in slice of cheese.

A 2 patty to 1 cheese slice ratio is unacceptable. I’m headed to BK instead. -Mischief

CORONITAS

Who the hell came up with 7oz bottles of beer and WHY?! Isn’t drinking beer hard enough without having to open up a new one every two sips?!?! You must have some kind of complex when you need a tiny little bottle to make you feel like a big man. “LOOK HOW BIG MY HAND LOOKS AROUND THIS LITTLE BOTTLE!” Yeah you look like a big-ass giant. A 7oz Corona is about as relative as a 40oz of O’Douls. -Mischief

BOOTLEG CELEBRITY HOSTS

It seems like every time I see ads for ultra clubs, there is a bootleg celebrity billed as the host. These people fall into several categories: reality TV stars, washed up actors/singers/rappers, famous babydaddies, and video hos…excuse me, I mean “models”. There’s nothing wrong with mingling among the ranks of a-list Hollywood players, but paying top dollar to pop bottles with Mr. Belding is what I would call ultrawhack! These bubblehead bouncers actually have the audacity to make VIPs (very irritated people) wait outside as if Brangelina were occupying the dance floor. I wonder how much the “stars” get paid for their services, in addition to free alcohol and photo-shopped pictures? Looks like being a z-list celebrity is the job that keeps on paying, even after you get fired. With benefits like that, who needs 401 (k)? –Dixie Cain, East Side

SUB NAZIS

Pretty often I find myself with a $5 lunch budget. Sometimes I end up at Subway. With every visit, I remember why I don’t go there. The employees are judgmental. I believe their proper titles are “Sandwich Artists”. They definitely have the ego of an artist. God forbid you ask them to give you a little bit more mustard or a little less oil & vinegar. I can’t tell you how many times a Subway employee has rolled their eyes and shown that they openly disagree with my sandwich preferences. The ingredients are all ready and right there. The only thing stopping me from doing it myself is that stupid sneeze guard. –G.L.

VALET IS THAT WAY

Tourists, please continue to visit our great city and keep making it unnecessary for us to pay state tax. But you may want to take a refresher course in driver’s training before coming here. If you can’t read the signs above that say Park or Exit inside a garage, at least learn which way that huge arrow is pointing on the ground. –J.D., Aliante

FRESH & SLEAZY

Damn it’s expensive to opt for organic foods. Have you ever paid attention to the difference in cost?  Somehow we’ve convinced ourselves that paying $3.50 for an avocado that’s stamped organic is justifiable and that we’re making the health-conscious choice. If Jesus makes a guest appearance at dinner then he’ll get the good guacamole and the nice wine. Then again, he may prefer MonaVie over Mondavi. Better yet, JC was homeless – he’ll praise my frugality. -J.H

“What Happens In Vegas…” needs to STFU

Nothing screams utter annoyance more so than a lobotomized, loser tourist proudly exclaiming, “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!”, Like it is a Get Out of Being Smart card. This phrase is overused and annoying. I never understood why those stupid commercials used to air on our local stations, as if the novelty catchphrase applied to residents. I have to listen to visitors entertain me constantly with this lame anecdote at my job. So while I innocently smile on the outside, my repressed inner convict yearns for a knife, black leather gloves and a good defense attorney.

What happens in Vegas… -Dixie Cain

UNEMPLOYMENT

I think I have a better chance winning a brand-new car on the radio station than I do getting through to Unemployment. There have been times that I called Unemployment for 5 hours straight, and still haven’t been able to get through. I am counting on this money to post into my account on Wednesday at midnight. If I’m unable to file this claim, I will have to consider eating as a luxury this week. How f**king ironic is it that Unemployment is so busy? Wouldn’t it make sense to teach us the the ins and outs of unemployment claims and take some of us jobless A-holes off the street? –G.L.

CLOSING BUSINESSES

Remember about 40 years ago when this city was a  desert town and there were few businesses that resided here? It seems history is repeating itself. Everywhere I look,  businesses are closing their doors. We need to support our local businesses before we find ourselves using Las Vegas for it’s old purpose. The deserted area outside of The Strip to dump dead bodies. –Kim Lee, Henderson

PAY CUTS

Lots of local businesses have opted to make pay cuts versus letting people go. While I understand that they are trying to do the considerate thing, imagine what that does for people’s work ethics. I would make Homer Simpson look like the Employee of the Month. –Carrie Carter, Green Valley

STONER DON’T SNITCH

So Michael Phelps  was smoking bongloads? BFD! It’s not like he was taking performance enhancing drugs when he was training for the 12 gold medals he won for our country. Now he could be losing sponsors? I gained more respect for him knowing that he isn’t a squeaky clean cyborg sent from the future. Give the dude a break. While it was dumb of him to get caught on camera, I’m more pissed at the guy who snapped the shot. He must have been either a douchebag that doesn’t get invited to parties much or a narc because that behavior just violates the unwritten code of a stoner. I’m sure that rat face is back to sitting at home customizing his avatar. –G.L.

Has Wrath gotten the best of you?

We promote positivity here at SINNER Magazine, but we also understand that sometimes you need to yell at the top of your lungs and get something off your chest. We encourage the technique of laughing it off. Write to us and let us know what’s got you buggin’ out. If we like your response, we just might print it. And if we do, We’ll send you a sick ass SINNER t-shirt. You’ll be the envy of all your less-witty friends.