I’LL GIVE YOU A DOLLAR IF YOU KEEP IT ON. There is no denying that strippers play an important role in Sin City. They are as vital as garbage men–it may be a dirty job but somebody has to do it, right? They provide a service. Whether you are a horny nerd in town for CES or just a local drunk in the mood for some boobies, They are there for you, and God bless ‘em. However some strippers should really consider retiring their g-strings. Here are some lap dance dealbreakers.

SECURITY  LAPDANCE
If the bouncer is staring you down and standing right next to you while you’re getting a dance, chances are he’s banging the stripper gyrating on your lap.  Don’t touch unless you want to leave with a black eye!

GOLDEN GIRL LAPDANCE
From across the room the stripper in the school girl outfit and pigtails looks pretty hot, but once she gets up close she’s got more wrinkles than your grandma!  If a fast song comes on, she just may graduate to her grave. It’s probably best to shop  for a springer chicken.

MISERY LAPDANCE
Bitter strippers are by far the worst kind; their sole purpose is to make your dick shrivel at the sight of all women.  It’s best to sit quietly and not touch. If you choose to get a dance from the bitter stripper–Be prepared for anything. She might  use her taser gun if you get too close.  If you don’t buy a dance from her, She will take her hate out on you like you’re her deadbeat husband.

HEMORRHAGE LAPDANCE
If a stripper has boobs bigger than your head, make sure you have health insurance before you decide to motorboat! Melons of  that size can give you a concussion!
PROFESSIONAL LAPDANCE
If a stripper asks you if you want a “private dance” in your hotel room, it’s not her first rodeo.  She’s a hooker in stripper disguise and more than likely loaded with STD’s.  Always remember to wrap it before you tap it!

1/2 OFF LAPDANCE
If a midget walks up to you at a strip club and asks if you’d like to buy a dance – say yes.  Really, how often does that happen?

THIRD TRIMESTER LAPDANCE
If a stripper walks up to you and her belly sticks out farther than her silicone DD’s don’t get a dance unless you’re ready to prove you’re not the baby-daddy. A pregnant stripper is gross.

ANOREXIC LAPDANCE
If her hip bones are sticking out through her dress she needs to eat!  There needs to be a little cushion for the pushin!

211 LAPDANCE
Some guys are brave enough to buy a dance from the “ghetto stripper”. She’s got fake fingernails as long as her man-made hair.  You immediately recognize her from the Jerry Springer Show.  After the dance she will hang out and do a few shots with you. She finally leaves your table. Just as you are thinking to yourself “Wow! She was nice.” Surprise! …She stole your wallet.

FISHY  LAPDANCE
If a stripper approaches you with more than an inch of dark roots on her blonde head, and her electricity bill in hand, chances are: She’s broke! She probably hasn’t paid the water bill either. She might still smell like yesterday’s panties. So if you decide to chance a dance, be good at holding your breath or at least love seafood.

MAMMAL LAPDANCE
You might be into the hippie stripper that  and be lured in by the smell of patchouli as she passes your table. Remember that the 1970’s weren’t just about free love.  They were also about hair–including armpit and  bush. Enough said.

TRIFECTA LAPDANCE
So you think you’ve found the right stripper, The song begins and she  slowly reveals her breasts–One, Two…Three?! WTF? There’s a third nipple targeted at your face and you can’t escape it! The classic two nipples close in on your forehead and the third one tickles your nose. Pay the stripper as soon as the song is over and leave the club before you find a stripper with a third leg.

SILICONE LAPDANCE
From across the room the surgically enhanced stripper looks perfect!  As she gets closer you realize her lips actually take up her whole face and you can barely stop staring long enough to see her enhanced bosom (which is rarely a problem).  How bad can it be?  Until you smack her ass and realize that was man-made as well, watch out for the “you break it, you buy it” policy.

THIRD WHEEL LAPDANCE
Sometimes you may think you are clear of a crappy lappy when the stripper that lands on your lap seems to be perfectly hot. But don’t be surprised if she leans over and whispers this suspicious proposal. If she claims that her equally hot friend wants you to join them for a once in a lifetime make out session–Her friend is ugly or they would’ve shown up together.

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Illustration by Skizo FA2HQ

STOP TEXTING!
Text messaging can be an easy way to communicate, but don’t plan our first date on a text message. Starting the relationship with a text means I’m going to end the relationship with a text. You’re a jack ass. TTYN

FANNY PACKS ARE NOT COOL
No, not even the leather ones.

SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT
Constantly wearing sunglasses when they are not being used was only cool for Johnny Depp in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

NARCISSISM
I’m going to Google you. It’s 2009.  I will find your Myspace or Facebook. And if you have hundreds of pictures of yourself, it’s a turn-off.  It’s not hot; and it’s completely narcissistic to have half-naked pictures of yourself all over your own webpage.

THE TWINS
If you feel the need to re-name any part of my anatomy, I will re-name you to “Do Not Answer” in my phone.

WRONG INBOX
Pausing during sex to check your Blackberry is not OK. Don’t do it.

NAME DROPPER
Don’t name drop!  I don’t care how many times you walked by Britney Spears at the Palms and almost spoke to her .

SLOW DOWN
I do want to know how much you’d like to tie me up and drip candle wax all over my body–just not on the first date!   Let’s wait and see if we get through appetizers before you tell me those things!

EX MARKS THE SPOT
Telling me that your ex has beat up everyone you’ve dated in the past year makes me feel sorry for you. But I don’t need my face re-arranged because we went to the movies together.

JEWEL OF DENIAL
You may be 31 and looking to get married and have two children in the next three years. But let’s get at least a dozen dates under our belts  before you mention the engagement ring of your dreams!

SUFFOCATION FOR BREAKFAST
I wake up the morning after our first date. And you have already called/texted/emailed me more than once to tell me that you miss me already. And asking why I haven’t called you back. It’s because I’m getting a restraining order!

HONEST-TEE, NOT ALWAYS THE BEST POLICY
Don’t show up to our date wearing  a “Hottie” or “I Love Me” t-shirt. You might find yourself waiting a long time for me to come back from the rest room.

Bedroom Dealbreakers
Have you ever met somebody that you really liked and then found out they were into some really freaky stuff? I mean everybody has a perverse side, but here are some dealbreakers that we just couldn’t get down with. We’ll let the illustrations speak for themselves.

We thought about writing text–trust me. But we decided it would be funnier to let you Google them at work. Remember these are here to make you laugh… or cry, depending what kind of mood you are in.

If you aren’t wondering if we went too far then we haven’t done our job. Did we go too far?

Abe Lincoln

Dirty Sanchez

Hot Karl

Hot Lips Hoolihan

Teabag